Energy Drinks I Drink:

Have you always wanted to be as crazy and procrastinational as myself?  Then reach for the stars and drink what I drink!

Torrey Says:

Have you ever had a good tasting drink?  It’s like that….but not as good.  Sometimes leaves itching feeling in back of throat.  Small can.  Obviously overpriced, but healthier than most.  So they claim……we’ll let the lab rats decide that one….

Claim to fame:

“BURN UP TO 100 CALORIES” by drinking!  You could literally open the can, burn .00230234324 calories by doing so, and prove that slogan right.  Genius.

Percent Chance of Feeling High After One Can:

30%

Percent chance of passing out after consumption:

75%

Torrey Says:

Tastes like gummy bears….turns you into a gummy bear.  Overpriced.  But if you buy 3 of them at the same time………it’s still overpriced.  You’re welcome.

Claim to fame:

Sweetened with stevia.  NEAT.

Percent Chance of Feeling High After One Can:

20%

Percent chance of passing out after consumption:

30%

Torrey Says:

One of the best tasting.  Blue.  Blue = always tastes good.

Claim to fame:

Makes colons explode.  Makes new, fake colons mad.  I suggest putting a picture of a cartoon colon with a giant red X running across it.  Not a real picture….a CARTOON picture.  More playful and appealing to the kids…

Percent Chance of Feeling High After One Can:

75%

Percent chance of passing out after consumption:

75%

Torrey Says:

Dirt for the price of gold.  But hey, you don’t crash later!  You know what else doesn’t make you crash later?  Poison.  That liquid gold puts you down and keeps you there.

Claim to fame:

Hey!  That WAS fast and easy!  If only it tasted good and didn’t cost 3.50 a pop!  But hey, it was fast AND easy!  So it was worth it!  Screw ENJOYING a fizzy drink every morning.  I’m going to slam this crappy tasting dime’s worth of liquid down my throat for a bloated cost, look into the camera and tell you how fast AND easy that was, and then do something completely irrelevant, showing you how I now have time to do something else since that was so fast AND easy.

FOG NAUT!

Percent Chance of Feeling High After One Can:

60%

Percent chance of passing out after consumption:

60%

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