Dear Diary… My Fun Morning as a Policeman…

My day began like any other….a fun filled trip the the gas station to get my daily energy drink before heading to work out.  As I was leaving my neighborhood in my uber awesome Hyundai Tucson, I approached a stop light with a taxi in front of me. I was immediately pissed, as I tend to be when I want to go right on red but the person in front of me is going straight….so I’m already in a bad mood.  But then the fun began…

After the light turned green…nothing happend.  The taxi just sat there.  After a few seconds, I gave a nice sturdy honk.  Now typically this is the point where you can see the driver suddenly look up in their rear view mirror with that “oh crap…” look on their face before finally pulling out….but such was not the case here.

Confused, baffled, and even more pissed, I decided to pull into the left turn lane to see what was up.  The dude was leaning back in his chair with his head hanging down.  At this point I logically concluded that either he was sleeping, passed out, dead, or playing Game Boy.

So I started saying, “Sir…..sir……sir…..SIR…..SIR…..” over and over again.  Nothing.  I thought the person looked fairly old…but not old enough to freaking drop dead.  Overweight though. Possibly on drugs, perhaps.  Might be a mean assumption to make, but I’ll make whatever assumption I please when I encounter a someone passed out at a stoplight…

So I drove away and called the cops.  Now here’s a neat little tidbit…your phone knows when you’re calling 911 and has a cool little, “Oh mi gosh you’re calling 911 EMERGENCY right now!!!!” logo that appears on the phone.  You should check it out………

I’ll try to get to the point here (and there really is none…), but the 911 lady basically asked me to go back and check if the person was still breathing. This was extremely uncomfortable for me for a few specific reasons:

* If the person wasn’t dead, they obviously have “issues” if they’re passed out while driving.

* I’ve seen enough movies to know taxi drivers carry guns.

* This person looked dirty. Like…dirty as in, “Yes, I’ll shake your hand, but let me put on these rubber gloves first.”

* I was afraid they’d wake up suddenly and scare the living poo out of me.

But since there was a chance this person was in trouble and needed help…I did my civic duty and went up to them.  Sure enough, he was breathing.  Scratch that….at this point in time we discover that he is actually a SHE. The plot thickens…

Then taxi lady randomly woke up…and was clearly “odd.”  So I told the 911 lady, “Oh hai….she wake nowz!”  But here’s a kicker…the 911 lady now wants me to reach over this person and take the keys out of her car and away from her because she’s in “no condition to drive”.  She was adamant about this.  A genuine “WTF” moment on my part. And I actually thought about it for a second until the taxi driver started blabbling off more random crap, proving her true craziness.  So I told the 911 lady, “Uhh yeahhhhhh……I don’t feel comfortable doing that.  In fact……..I’m going to go ahead and walk away now if you don’t mind…..”  I could hear the, “Wow…you pansy….” in 911 lady’s voice from that point on.

Fast forwarding a little here…they wanted me to follow her….but they were pansies themselves about it.  They asked me, “Well….are you going to be…umm…. following her?”  You know, like a typical girl…curiously wondering if you’re going to do something when you know she’s really just asking you to actually do it.  And like any normal guy, I replied, “Well…do you want me to…?”  But she was pretty ademment in telling me, “We can’t tell you what to do.”  Mmmk.  This is after you told me to turn around, approach the crazy person, take her keys away from her, and dangle them over her head so she couldn’t reach them like a middle school bully would do.  NOW she has problem telling me what to do….

So I told them I’d keep following her and gave the police period updates along the way as to where we were. I ended up tracking her all the way from Maple Grove to past 169 (via East 94).  Then a cop finally got on the freeway, waved to me, pulled between me and crazy taxi chick, and then pulled her over. From the moment I first called the cops to the minute they finally got to her on the freeway…seemed to be about a good 20 minutes of action.

Moral of the story: if you perform a crime in the Maple Grove area, there will not be any police men to stop you.

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