This blog post is dedicated to my Harry Potter experience. Not really a review…but more so thoughts and observations…
And as you can see in the title…I just might have shed a tera or two. But why? And when? Guess you’ll have to read on…
Upon entering the theater, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was about to be part of history somehow. Turns out that I was, as the film ended up garnering the highest grossing weekend in box office history. I’m not sure if that would stand pat when you take inflation into account, but I imagine it’d still be at the top (I’ll let someone else do the math…). But never mind that. You know how I really knew I was seeing something important? It was on a screen where there was a freaking party room suite at the very back of the theater.
This is the absolute dumbest concept I have ever seen. But I digress….on to the trailers…
After seeing a couple of previews for movies I would never even rent someday, including one called, “War Horse”…..which is inevitably about a horse who dies (spoilers?), and another one called, “Hugo”…..where Borat chases around little children the entire time…the big event happened…
“THE DARK KNIGHT” TEASER!:
I’ll be honest…I could’ve gone home after this. Worth the price of admission alone. The only bad thing about the teaser was it stated that this next one would be the end of the saga. It was at this point I shed a tear. So there you have it. I did cry when I went to see Harry Potter…just not actually during Harry Potter. Although if there was another moment I just about cried during the actual movie, it was when that moron snake jumped out at the screen five consecutive times within a two second span and I peed a fourth cup’s worth. But I’ll get back to that a tad later (the snake…not the pee….although they do go hand in hand).
The Beginning…oh dear…I’m already lost…:
As we all know, in the film previous to this one, Voldemort had dug poor ol’ Dumbledoor back up to take his wand. ULTIMATE POWER! Neat…but after that, I had no idea what was going on for quite some time. In fact, I never really knew what was going on…..ever. I knew there were three hallows, which ultimately didn’t seem all that important to me…at least not important enough to include in the title. I also knew that there were three horcruxes, which seemed far more important since the entire movie was about hunting them down to destroy them. I mean really, shouldn’t this film have been called, “Harry Potter and the Horcruxes?” Every time we saw a hallow, it was like,
“Wha? Oh yeah….that’s neat. Ok then…back to business.”
But whenever we saw a horcrux, it was like,
“GRAB THAT @#$@#$#%! MUST DESTROYYYS AHH!HHHHHH!!!!!!!”
Anyway…I had those aspects down, but apparently nothing else. Actually wait…I don’t even know why the holocruxes had to be destroyed. Turns out I just don’t know anything, really. So at this point, you can take every complaint I have from here on out with a grain of salt. I mean honestly, I’d have to be a pompous sock of crap to write about a sequel after missing two and a half of the films prior to this one and also not even bother paying any attention when I watched the one immediately before this one. That’s what happens when you accidentally rent it on standard definition…you lose ALL interest….
(Edit – Finally looked it up. Apparently horcruxes make up a wizards soul…and there were more than three of them. Would’ve been good to know….but sometimes I enjoy my innocence…)
Now I’d like to go over various things I was thinking throughout the movie:
Herm is attractive:
At some point early on in the film, I came to the realization that up to this point in my life, any girl whose name begins with, “Herm” has been attractive 100% of the time. This is a stat that I fully expect to continue on for the duration of my life.
Why can’t the Wizards gain up on other Wizards?
During the battle sequences, it seemed like no one could ever gain up on anyone…like, ever. The most baffling was when Mrs. Weasley took on Bellatrix while her lazy family watched from a distance.
It’s like…really, guys? REALLY? It’s the same problem in Star Wars during two on one lightsaber battles. Whenever one strikes the bad guy, the other one just stands there and waits. Then when it’s his turn to strike, the other one conveniently stands there and waits. They can’t both strike at the same time?!
First of all, it was nice of Harry to sit there and watch Snape get his face bashed to death. If there was a large, magical snake attacking someone with a powerful and all evil wizard standing nearby whose sole intent in life was to kill me at all costs, there’s absolutely no question I’d walk in and kindly ask him to stop.
In regards to Snape, here’s what his face ended up looking like after the snake attack:
Here’s what I thought it was going to look like…or in other words, what it should’ve looked like:
As in…. no more face. A freaking magical snake pulled a bash/bite combo move three times in a row with blood BLASTING out of Snape’s face and all over the window he was leaning against. That @#$%’s going to leave more than just a blotch of blood underneath the chin…
As for the snake, as I alluded to earlier….FUTCH. Am I the only one who pissed myself? That snake did nothing but make jerky, lunging movements the ENTIRE film, until near the very end when it finally didn’t….but the damage had already been done to my psyche and I was conditioned to think the snake would dick around with me again, so I peed without any prompting.
It was nice that Harry got to see all of his ghostly dead ones, Star Wars style…but there was no Snape. And as far as his dad? Screw him, apparently. Harry wanted nothing to do with him.
“Mom! Rupin! …..oh….dad…… Sirious!”
I don’t recall Harry saying one thing to good ol’ dad. Dad said something, but Harry just gave him that, “Shut up, wench.” look on his face.
The battle is won….meh….:
Here’s the thing that really had me scratching my head. After Harry defeats Voldemort and walks into the room everyone was waiting in…no one’s in a somber mood, and no one’s in a congratulatory mood….everyone’s in a, “Let’s laugh and chat and what not ’cause I don’t care that a war just took place a few hours ago and about half the people died…I don’t even care to find out if Voldemort’s dead. Oh look, Harry’s back. Guess he survived. Meh.” mood. It was literally like either no one cared, or they just had a warm, fuzzy feeling inside of them when Harry killed Voldemort and they all celebrated off-screen without Harry. The heck? Literally, it was like Harry walked into a room that was already full steam ahead in celebration…when they really had no reason to be until Harry came back to tell them that he had succeeded in killing Voldemort. The look on their faces should’ve been, “So…what happened?!” Not all of the wink and nods that were going on…
All in all…despite all of the bad things I just said about the film…I still throughly enjoyed it…which proves as long as there’s a good story with characters you actually care about, you can put a movie in front of me where I have no idea what’s going on and will still love it to death.
Adios, Harry Potter. While you meant something much more to many people over the years than you did to me, you still meant something to me those two nights I bothered watching you.
Now get lost and let’s get the ball rolling for “The Hobbit!”