Food of the Week: Cotton Candy

Why is cotton candy this week’s food of the week? Well…

A) It’s colorful.

B) It has absolutely zero nutritional value. None. If you were stuck on a desert island and starving to death, you would be better off NOT eating cotton candy.

C) The State Fair is happening right now in Minnesota…which I can only assume serves cotton candy. Nay…deep fried cotton candy. Sounds delish’.

D) It smells like love and sugar ecstacy.

E) National Cotton Candy Day is on December 7th. I thought I would be special and celebrate early.

F) Cotton Candy used to be called, “Fairy Floss.” Which makes absolutely no effing sense.

G) Cotton Candy is pure sugar. I could just have easily called the food of the week, “Sugar” and it would’ve been the exact….same….thing.

H) A normal sized, uh, “thing,” of cotton candy has less sugar and calories than a can of soda.

I) If you eat a salad along with your cotton candy, it offsets all of the “badness” from the cotton candy. According to Ronald McDonald, the Burger King, and little ginger Wendy, this is 100% fact.

J) The world became significantly worse once cotton candy migrated solely from fairs and spread to our grocery stores. Same concept as mosquitos migrating from Asia to America.

K) Saliva makes cotton candy hardy and very sticky. As if you didn’t already know that, fatty…

L) The first cotton candy machine was patented in 1889….well before America got fat. Like…you know how the robots are going to enslave us all someday? And the first step towards that was making the computer? Well the first step towards fatness enslaving America was the cotton candy machine. Fact.


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